What a week this has been. I have hated it in all entirely! I feel like I have been drowned and set back. My emotions have been crazy and my depression and anxiety have been at their worst. It has lead me up to filing a police report today for sexual battery. I want to erase it all.
I was getting the massage on Saturday and the man pulled the sheet below my butt.
typically they don't do this. I pulled the cover back up so it was
covering most of my butt. He pulled it back down towards my legs. He
massaged my whole body but focused on my butt. He would stand by my head
and massage over my butt and then come up under me between my legs and
up to my hip bones massaging my front. from the side he would massage my
butt and on it and then between my legs making circles. He never
touched my genitalia but was very close. He did this over and over
again. when he was at my side he would touch me with his boner through
his pants. He would lean on me, but never tried anything. He would lean
on my hand so his boner was laying on my hand and move back and forth
slowly. He later separated my legs and massaged in between my legs from
my back to my front, putting his hands under me, between my legs, and up
towards my hip bones and as I laid on my stomach.
I
was making a big deal at first in my head and then I stopped and
realized that I am overly sensitive and hyper aware when it comes to
these things. SO i tried to look at it all as factual, not emotional.
Yes, things were awkward but he did not hurt me. I was not scared. The
massage felt good. also maybe I misunderstood things. This could be
cultural. Maybe this is a technique they use that I have never been
exposed to. Afterwards he gave me water and I paid him. He looked like a
nice old man. and there was nothing in his face when he looked at me
like he had done anything wrong. So on my own I decided it is not
something I should not worry about and I just would not go back there.
Later
that day I was in the grocery store and found myself lost in time and
staring into a frozen section window. I caught myself and just shrugged
it off. Then on my way home I got so lost. I was on the same street that
my friend lives off of and I only would have needed to take one turn.
But I ended up somewhere in Ontario with no clue where I was. This is
when I started to think that maybe my body was dissociating from the
event, even though I was not scared. Again I shrugged it off. I was
confused at my mixed emotions, but tried to dismiss them. Sunday I was
just emotional all day. Crying spells, exhaustion, racing heart, chest
pain...
Monday I woke up exhausted but I
slept well. I went to see my God kids before work. My anxiety rose and I
fell asleep three times while I was with them. I felt like I hadn't
slept at all. I went to work and that is where things started to happen
more intensely. I couldn't get sentences straight, I could not type, and
was crying, my heart was racing, I was putting wrong patient
information in others charts... I laid on the floor in my office and
slept. I didn't think I was going to make it through the day. I have
never felt so out of whack. I thought maybe something medical was wrong.
That was when I texted you. I wanted to get some insight if this was
more medical or a normal for me reaction to what had happened. I decided
because of the fatigue, confusion, and chest pain I would go to urgent
care. Just to make sure something physically was not wrong. In my head I
related it back to the incident on Saturday. But still confused because
I had no fear attached to the situation. Medically of course I was
fine. My heart rate was super elevated, but I knew that. I called Kevin
and I just fell apart. I told him some of what happened, but not all. He
was not happy at all. He was angry and I guess rightfully so. I hadn't
talked about this to anyone because I felt like I was making it up. I
tried to look at it from an outsider's perspective. And i think that i
would say yes, that the situation was crossing a boundary line and
violation.
Anyway, I woke up not able to
function. I slept well and that is all I am doing is sleeping. I could
not work today and I am not going to work tomorrow. I am so confused at
how out of whack my body is and how much control it is taking over my
mind, emotional, and physical responses... when nothing happened.
I was unable to work for a couple of days due to my bodies responses. I could not stop crying. I slept or I was crying. I was nauseous, sick to my stomach, headaches, exhaustion. I am falling apart. Why can't I get past this!
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