Losing It

 I woke up feeling an impending sense of doom. I hit my snooze button until I couldn't any longer. I peeled myself from my bed and headed to my chiropractor appointment. I returned home and climbed back into bed, calculating how much sleep I could get until I had to get up for work. I have so many things I need to do, but I have no energy or strength to do any of them. My task list is getting longer and as I look at my calendar for the weekend, I am not sure when anything is going to get done. This also overwhelms me. I feel like I am falling apart. It doesn't matter at this time; I just need to sleep. 

I awake with my alarm and hit snooze again. I can sense tears coming and I just can't do it. After multiple snoozes I jump up and get ready. I feel extremely guilty that I have slept in longer and am not able to take Simon on his normal long walk. I take him out and listen to my scripture readings in Joshua. I have to go to work but am not sure how I am going to make it. I swallow and stop the tears. My drive feels miserable. My thoughts race. I want to die. I am not suicidal; I just want the pain to stop. I just don't want to exist at all right now. I am not even sure what all I am mad or sad about. As tears come up, I stop them. I get to work and sit down. I lose it. All the emotions are too much. I break. I feel awful. My boss is the only one around and thankfully she is wonderful. I go to her office and just sit and cry. I give myself about 5 minutes and then I have to stop. This is not the time or place. I can usually keep my outside emotions outside of work, but today I couldn't. It feels like a failure. I should be stronger than this.   

I am trying to figure out why things are worse today. I slept okay. Nothing new has come up. I have spravato this coming Friday. This is the first time that it has been spread out to 4 weeks, so this is the longest time I have gone without it. My weight and body size run constantly in my head and I am so disgusted and angry with myself. I realize my nutrition and water intake have not been great. But that really isn't anything new. I am exhausted and that always makes me more emotional. I am worried about my dad, but am too scared to call him. I feel like a terrible daughter not reaching out, but it seems too difficult to make the phone call. In the back of my mind I am still dealing with grief and anger over the not being able to have a child.

I feel alone. I did get news this morning that the one person at church that has been a good friend is moving out of state in 4 weeks. This is disheartening and I know I don't do well with loss and change. I feel like I am losing it. I am scared about how intensely I am feeling things or trying to avoid them. I am hoping that sleep will help, but I don't know when I am able to just have hours to rest. Tomorrow and Sunday are so full and I wish I could cut things out. All the things are good for me, but I am so tired. Staying at home sounds amazing, but Kevin works, so I would be alone.