Fail

 Sunday I got the call that the second egg did not fertilize. This is the end. We will not do IVF again. Somehow, I am not surprised. I had truly believed that this would work. I thought it would be a testimony to the doctors who did not think this was possible. I had prayed specifically for a healthy baby girl with great faith. After all what seemed to be divine interventions, I am confused at this outcome. I can't react. This is not the right time or place. I text Kevin, he is at work all day. After getting home I start to shed a few tears. Then I stop. There is a part of me that feels relief. Relief that I have an answer. Relief that I won't gain wait. Relief that I won't have to struggle with what to do about work or finance if this did come to pass. Relief that I can travel and sleep whenever I want. Believe me, I would trade all of that for a healthy baby girl, but I wanted closure and this is the answer. I want to ask God why! Why with everything that seemed to be such a God given and provided, would he still say no. 

I feel alone. No one is here. My best friend is doing family things, which is fine. My longest known friend offers to call, but I am not really ready to talk to anyone. I want to be hugged. I don't even know what is best for me at this time. I take a nap. When I awake, I just want to stay in bed, but I have committed to be at the high school youth group tonight. I go and hold back tears. It was both good and hard to be there. On my drive home I start to lose it. I feel like a failure. I hate what I am feeling. I am so angry. I am angry at Kevin. I am angry with myself. I can't take the intense emotion. I want to die. I want to stab myself. I tell myself as soon as I get home, I am going to end it. I play praise music and just try to get home. My thoughts are racing. I need the pain to stop. 

By the time I get home I am much calmer. I am thankful as I realize I would have made a really dumb impulsive move if I was in the same state of mind. Now I am just frustrated with myself for not being able to handle intense emotions like a normal person. I get in bed and go to sleep.

This past week looking back at things. I am not sure how or what I am doing. I feel like I have come to an understanding with myself that this journey has ended. When emotions start to arise, I try to stop the tears. I don't know how to talk about this or process it. I have had moments of panic and one real good cry. The rest is tearing up and then making myself stop. On Friday I listened to 5 hours of sermons and worship music. It did bring me some peace. Then it brought tears, which were stopped after about 30 seconds. I wish I knew how to let myself cry and get all the emotions out. I am fearful of where the tears will bring me.

I continue to struggle with flashes of events that happened during my egg retrieval. this is the 3rd time I have done this, but previously I have always been under anesthesia before the prepping begins. This time I walked into the procedure room and sat down on the table. They asked for me to put my feet up in the stirrups. This started my anxiety. I am surrounded by doctors and nurses feeling fully exposed. I start to shake but follow directions. The nurse starts to strap my left leg down with velcro restraints at my ankle and then above my knee. My panic now sets in. I asked what was happening. They explained that this was done so during the procedure I would not accidentally kick the doctor. I don't care. I should not be awake for this. They start to strap down my left ankle and then my arm is stretched out and began to be strapped down. I am terrified. Then it is over. The procedure was done and I am back in the recovery room. 

I know this was part of the procedure. I do wish I would have not been awake for any of it. It brought back terrible memories and in the moment I felt unsafe. The feeling of being restrained while naked and exposed was more than I could handle. Even typing this in makes my stomach flip, I am sick to my stomach, and my chest is tight.