day 1: I was a little nervous going in to Pacifica. The size of the
group was good. I think 5 of us. The therapist for tonight is blind.
Everyone did their introductions and I just said my name and part of
what I am here for. The dietitian met with me briefly. She wanted to
take my weight. I was so nervous! I never let anyone see my weight. I
knew I had to do this and she stated that there is a weigh in every
Monday. This makes me even more anxious because now I for sure don't
want to gain any weight. They are blind weigh ins, but she let me see
this first one. 114. Gross. This morning I was 112. We all eat dinner
together. It is family style. You have to have 2 tablespoons of salad
dressing and the plates include a starch, fat, protein, and
fruit/vegetable. I shook with the salad dressing. I know there are a lot
of calories in salad dressing. They let me start slow for the night and
I only had to use 1 tablespoon. Dinner was hard. I kept quiet. I ate
around the salad dressing. Dinner was Thai. I ate scarcely. I do not
like people watching me eat. After dinner we returned to group to
process dinner. The day ended. Overall it was better than what I thought
it would be. This is going to be hard.
day 2:
we started in group tonight. They asked a little bit more around me in
group and I was able to share more of my struggle. At dinner the salad
dressing again was difficult. I just poured a little on the side of the
salad. I sat down and out of nowhere tears just began to fall and my
anxiety shot up. I started panicking. Eating in front of everyone
and seeing a full plate of food was terrible! The dietician took me out
of the room. She brought my dinner to the office and helped me calm
down. We talked through the feelings and tears at dinner. It was still
hard to eat in front of 1 person. I didn't eat much and ate around the
salad dressing. She was pretty lenient. She asked that I eat a quarter
of my plate and I was able to do this.
day 3:
Group started and it is interesting to hear others stories and
struggles. Many, if not most of the scenarios, like excessive weighing
food, restricting, triggers, and feelings of shame and guilt I could
identify. We looked at specific triggers and how we respond to them and
the stress that has correlation with our ED. I met with the dietitian.
(this was a different one). She went over more in detail the types of
food that are served there, the reasoning behind what is served, and how
each of food group affects our body. It made sense. Somehow I got it
this time. I mean,. I have heard people explain it, but this time it
clicked. They had already decided to have me eat apart from the group. I
went through the food line. I picked up the bottles of salad dressing
comparing the back labels for calories. The dietitian stopped me and
told me I was not allowed to look at labels. I got a second cup of
water. I was told that I can only have 1 drink before dinner, 1 drink at
dinner, and 1 drink in the last group. I wasn't told this before, but
they are not wanting people to have people fill their stomachs with
liquids. I couldn't eat. I tried, but 1 on 1 eating feels so intrusive.
She had me drink an ensure. She told me if I don't eat a certain amount
of dinner then they replace it with ensure and expect that you drink it.
I didn't want to, but I am here to get better and I want to challenge
myself. I am going to abide by rules and not try to cheat. Then all of
this would me worthless.
day 4: Group began
and we were choosing what we were going to eat for dinner. Normally
someone chooses a restaurant and we are given staple choices, usually up
to 3, and we just tell what we want. Tonight they introduced a new food
place. No one had been there before and so she handed out menus. My
anxiety sky rocketed. I hate menus. They give me so much anxiety. I have
left restaurants in the past because of the overwhelming feelings that
go with looking at a menu. I began to shake. I tried not to show it. As I
tried to look at the menu I started to freak out. So many foods, so
many words, what are the calories, what are the fats, which one will be
the lowest in fat, I have to hold it together, just pick something, I
can't do this... my mind raced. I couldn't stop it. Tears rolled down my
face and I started crying the ugly cry. I hated that this was in front
of others, but I couldn't contain it. I began a full panic attack. The
therapist came and sat with me and asked what was wrong. I told her my
difficulty with menus. I could not stop crying so I left the room (well I
was encouraged to go out to speak to one of the therapists). I talked
some and calmed down. I wanted to go back to group and push myself. I
went back in and the therapist asked me if it was okay to process what
had just gone one. I shared about the anxiety that comes with menus. One
of the girls told me she used to have the same thing and was something
that she initially struggled with at the beginning of the program. She
encouraged me that I was not alone in this. It was comforting to hear
her. I am not so different. It began to sink in that I really do have
and ED. I have not ever called it that, I have just been told. I never
wanted to agree with it, but I don't think I can hide from it much more.
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