180

Ok. So today was completely different/opposite of yesterday. I felt that anxiety/shakiness as I got to my car. I got to Shoreline and my heart started pumping, my legs began to shake, and my hands and arms were shaking. It felt terrible. I met with Irla for our individual session. I couldn't explain the anxiety. I was the nervousness I feel when I am dissociating, but I was present. There was no dissociating. I am very thankful for that.

Lunch was hard. We went to the store to get items for lunch and then we were to make it all together. I freaked out at the grocery store. I started shaking and crying. I felt stupid because I didn't know what boc choi was. And that was my task, to get it. I felt like I was holding everyone up. Everyone else had gotten their items and were standing waiting for me. I could barely get the boc choi in the bag because I was shaking so bad. I just broke. I went outside to get some fresh air. Another girl came out and asked if she could sit by me. We started talking a bit. It was a nice distraction.

Making lunch was hard. I was still shaking and wanted to shut down. I was able to complete it, but with a lot of negative thoughts about what others were thinking of me and fearful that I wouldn't do something correctly. We sat down to eat. I ate about 1/3 of my food and I was full. I strted to gag. I couldn't fit anything else in my stomache. The dietitian told me I could stop because I was gagging. It was disappointing in the fact of what others think of me or how I am perceived. But I was happy not to have to eat anymore. By snack I was nautious. It started with me not getting my smoke break. No one knew when it was and the director was in a meeting. When she came out she said it was at 3:30. It was not 4:00 and she wouldn't let me go. She said I could go after the next group. It pissed me off that in a way their word was not kept. I was mad because no one let me know when it was okay to go and now that I found out, it was taken away from me. It didn't seem fair or right. That provoked my anxiety. I couldn't eat. My stomache was in knots. I did try, but I couldn't.

I was determined to eat at least half my dinner. I was hungry but my stomach still hurt. We had 30 min. It took me 45 cause I was trying to eat half. By the end I was just shoveling food to prove to myself a point. I ate waaaay too much. I feel so full, well overly full, my stomach kills, food feels like it is up to my neck. I need to ask them their expectation. Like can I stop when I am full? I know they may think I am just saying I'm full, but I know when I am full. And its not good to over eat and shovel food down my throat. That feels like binging. I am not a binge eater.

I was so fed up and my stomach killed that I had to get rid of some food. I stopped at a gas station and tried to vomit. In my head I was telling myself this isn't right, but my body could not handle the amount in it. I did throw up but it was almost to late between dinner and now. I was not happy that I couldn't get rid of everything. I just wanted to feel empty.

I definitely got things out of group. I could identify with several people and as I shared they had the same experiences, like racing thoughts, feeling judged, inadequate. It was a sense of relief to realize I wasn't alone in my thinking and I wasn't crazy. I was able to share and offer feedback. This surprised me. Talking in groups is one of the hardest things for me. But my head is changing some from the resistance to acceptance that I need this.