Shorline

Yesterday I went to have my follow up assessment for the PHP program I will be starting this next Tuesday. I am still not feeling 100% about going, but I am doing it. It ended up being a scary moment. I was driving to Long Beach and when I was about 15 minutes away my anxiety started. This is hard, I don't want to do this, I was scared. I began to cry as I got closer. When I arrived I couldn't find parking right away. There are all stupid one ways around there too. I knew where I was, but I was just getting discombobulated as my anxiety increased. I parked a block down from Shoreline. I called Kevin as I parked. I was hysterical. I didn't know what I was scared about- probably about the unknown.

Kevin said he couldn't hear me and that he was driving. He would call me when he got home. My heart sank. I needed him. How the fuck are you going to hang up on me and wait to call me when I am losing it. He eventually pulled over and sat with me on the phone. I could tell he was frustrated. I hate calling him or seeing him when I am like this. He doesn't know what to do and comes across insensitive and then I get even more upset and anxious. Who do I call. I know he doesn't understand, but I just needed him. I needed him to stay on the phone and tell me everything was going to be okay.

I got out of my car and began to walk down the street. All of the sudden I blanked. I had no clue where I was. I didn't know what direction to go in. I was on the street and I knew it, but I freaked. I couldn't see it from where I was and so I panicked thinking I was lost. I stood there crying on the phone with Kevin. He just kept asking "did you find it" "do you know where you are?" All of this was in a tone that felt like he was upset. I stood on the side walk for what seemed like forever. I was frozen. I eventually got to Shoreline. I was still crying and looked like a mess. I talked with the therapist there and eventually calmed down.

I am scared. I am nervous. I feel again that I have no control. I am terrified of change. I feel like I am being pushed out at work. This is all so overwhelming. I feel alone. I feel so far from support.

On my drive home I continued to cry. I was finally able to pinpoint another big reason for the anxiety, increase in emotions, and depression...I miss Knewenle. I have tried to stuff and stuff my feelings of missing her. I have tried to ignore her absence. But it all came out. These past two weeks and especially today I needed her. I would have called her and she would have cheered me up, made me laugh, and tell me it was all going to be okay. She wold distract me. She would hug me. We would probably have hung out and just binged on TV shows, nap, and just be.

I miss her so much. I just want her back.