Day 1 @ Shoreline

Today was the first day at Shoreline. I was a bit nervous going in, but mostly just a neutral/numb feeling. I met with Irla who gave me an orientation to the center (she will also be my therapist while I am here). The first thing when I got into to group was weigh In's and lunch. The dietitian there doing the weighing was a male. I already was uncomfortable. Then they have you undress and where a gown to be weighed. This was when my anxiety started bug time, but I made it through, uncomfortably. Next was lunch. The expectation is eating 100% of your meal. I was ready to do it. There are some form/check list that everyone has to fill out before and after a meal. It is to track what your eating disorder is telling you, where you wish your hunger level was, and what it truly was. It is all done on a 1-10 scale. I was so confused. The scale made no sense to me. The dietitian explained it 3 times to me and some one gave an example, but I must be retarded because I still didn't understand it. Then I was just frustrated because I HATE not understanding something that is expected of me and I HATE feeling stupid. I didn't fill it out correctly I am sure, but I just let go of it. We had like mini pizza's on an English muffin and some pita chips. Others had more items on their plate, but that is what I got. The English muffin had sauce, cheese, mushrooms, and spinach. It looked fine and I love mushrooms and spinach, but there was too much cheese. I tried to eat it but I just felt sick and it tasted so bad. I removed the cheese and was able to eat everything else. I was pretty damn proud, but it wasn't good enough. I understand that I need to eat what is given to me and that it is safe. I just am damn picky as well. They encouraged me to eat it but I was not going to eat it. I was told that I would have to have ensure. I gladly to it. It wasn't bout restricting, it was about not being able to tolerate the cheese. Groups went well. I had let them know that I wasn't comfortable prompting myself to speak, but that if they asked I would answer. So they did. It worked out well. I was apprehensive and trying to take in everything and everyone. The group is small so that was nice. I mean, there wasn't anything to complain about. It is pretty much like the other group, just 8 hours, not 3. Snack was fine and I was actually hungry. Again, people had different things, but I had carrots and hummus. I was so hungry I probably would have eaten anything. Dinner was a big challenge. I had set my goal to eat everything. It was a chicken patty sandwich with lettuce and tomato. The side was this apple slaw with walnuts and raising. Even though I don't like raisins I ate them. The walnuts I couldn't. I hate them. The sand which was hard. For one I don't like chicken patties. and this one didn't taste good. The bun was overwhelming. It was huge and I usually don't eat buns. But I was going to do it. I was slow, it wasn't easy to eat at all. Within 10 minutes everyone was finished except me. At 30 minutes I still was not done. I had eaten half of the sandwich. At this point I was stuffed. Uncomfortably full. I couldn't eat anymore. The dietitian asked me to and I started to try but then I started to gag. I was so nauseous. It wasn't restricting or my eating disorder. I was full. I had gone over my intake capacity. I began to sweat- that nasty feeling before you vomit.  I had to unbutton my pants I was so overly full. I felt terrible and disappointed in myself for not finishing. I really felt sick. Even now 4 hours later I feel like shit. My stomach is making noises and kills.

I talked to one of the therapist and am going to talk to the dietitian tomorrow. I am confused. There is a part of me that understands eating 100% - it is a supposedly healthy proportion. But isn't it healthy too to know your body cues when you are full. If you don't you are on the opposite extreme of binging where you don't read those cues. To me it isn't healthy to force myself to eat if I have eaten sufficiently and know my stopping point. I wasn't trying to go against anything. If I would have continued eating I would have thrown up at the table. But shouldn't knowing when to stop be just as important. I understand they are working with eating disorders, but where is the balance. Maybe I am at a place that I know when I have had enough. I know myself when I am restricting and this was not it.

All in all it was fine for what it was. I expected worse, but it was fine. I did impress myself with the sharing I did, even if it was with prompting and short answers.