Inner Child

I am making a lot of connections between my emotions and how it impacts my bx is correlated with childhood emotions. I knew that, but actually putting exact experiences with a specific emotion. We did an inner child exercise. It was like a guided meditation, which I never can do because I cannot picture things that are not reality or true to me.

This one was a bit different- I struggled in the beginning getting lost in thought... imagine yourself... I can't do it. Then we were to picture ourselves as an adult. I was in a park looking up into a tree house where I (as a child) was sitting. I asked her if I could come up but she shook her head no. I asked her if she wanted to come down. she looked up and seemed excited to make her way down. My adult self embraced her right as she came down. I wanted her to feel loved and safe. we were supposed to say something to our inner child, but I could not talk. In my head we sat on the grass and I held her in my lap. we were told to walk around the park. I couldn't let my young self go. I gave her a piggy back ride and held her hand. not a word was spoken. but my child self felt safe, secure, comforted, wanted, trusting. Then we were told we had only a few minutes left with our child self and to tell them we were leaving but we would see them later. I couldn't. I couldn't leave. I couldn't let her feel abandoned. I didn't want her to have to go home, but then where would she go? she would end up being alone. I couldn't let her endure that feeling. she needed to be safe and have someone to help her. my young self just kind of stood there. not really any emotion at all going on. I started crying - I couldn't leave her, I just hugged and hugged her. she would think I was lying to her. I couldn't say that I would be back because what if something happened and I couldn't get back. I was a freakin mess. With help I was able to realize that I was care taking as an adult and had to protect my inner child/self. The feelings now of anxiety with fear of abandonment and detaching so quickly at things just clicked. I still cried. I hurt for the young me who felt so unsafe, alone, sad, desiring a mother figure. as a young self though I couldn't understand as a child these feeling. as a child I shut down a lot to just get by. It was just enlightening to realize what I am missing and where it comes from. to know that it is okay and my responses now stem from something actual- not me just being crazy. 

 

I can't explain it well- it was just an intense and emotional thing.