Fixations

     Weight and my fixation with weight spiked again when I was in 12th grade. I had returned from a 2 month trip in Eastern Europe and had gained a significant amount of weight. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I am a picky eater and European food was not to my liking so I ate a lot of breads and chocolate. When I got home my family noticed the weight. My mom commented on how my face was fuller and my sister laughed when my jeans didn't fit.       

     At this point running became a nasty habit. I hate running, but I was determined to lose weight. As I began to run, nothing was good enough. The running became unhealthy. At first I was running 2 - 3 times a week for 2-3 miles. Then it became such an obsession that I was running daily and would not go to bed unless I had run. It could be 11:00 pm and if I hadn't run I would head out to do so. I had become so addicted to numbers, time, and mileage with my running. Nothing was ever good enough.

     College came around and the restricting became the worse as it had ever been. I would go days without eating. I would grab an apple in the morning and cut it into small wedges. I was determined that this was going to be my meal for the day. I would eat small bites and a time. It was hard! I didn't understand how eating food was so normal for others. It angered me but also made me sick. I could not stand the thought of going to the cafeteria at school and it made me sick to watch others eat. Mostly out of jealous. They were doing something that I could not do. I turned to laxatives which only worked to some extent. I then started diet pills. I used them for over 4 months. I lost a lot of weight on these, but became somewhat dependent on them. I was scared to stop taking them for fear I would put on more weight. They made me shaky and super irritable. It was great to hear my peers and my mother comment on how much weight I had lost. I stopped the diet pills soon after this. They messed with my sleep and mood. I was miserable; constantly fidgeting, trembling, and could not focus on anything. I was a complete bitch when I was abusing them. My body was broken. I was not satisfied, but I was exhausted.   

"I was tired of my body.

I was completely exhausted.

My mind & energy had broken. 

It had to stop."