Tuck Tummy In

     I have struggled with weight and body image for a long time. As a young child, probably starting at age 8 or so, my mom would always comment on my stomach. I had baby fat of course, but my mom would tell me/remind me to tuck my tummy in. At the time it didn't register as me being fat, but I knew I didn't like the statement. After some point my sister started say it as well.
     At 12 was when I noticed a difference between my body and others. I was at a school where we wore uniforms. My friend and I were getting out pleated skirts for school. The skirt that fit me was a size 12 and she got a size 2. Looking back on this I realize my skirt was a children's size and hers was in Jr's. So my fixation on being such a larger size was wrong. But my head has never been the same about weight or size since. 8th grade was when I really started my eating disorder (which I am still in denial about and hate calling my disorder by name). I began restricting food significantly. I didn't realize how bad it was until I passed out at a track meet and had to be put on oxygen. I told my coach I was telling my parents so he let it go. I never told them.
     I felt okay for a while and eating became somewhat normal again. Things flared up in a different way when I was 15. I played multiple sports and wasn't abnormal in size. It was my weight that bothered me. The number on the scale in comparison to peers my age seemed significantly different. I of course was heavier. I could not control me eating intake, but I soon learned that I could get rid of my food by vomiting. This helped because I could eat anything that I wanted too and then I would just get rid of it. I made myself throw up multiple times per day. After so many months my body rejected food in total. If I ate something, my body could not hold it down. I don't know exactly when things became "normal" again. I started lessening my vomiting. At some point my body managed to handle food again. I was semi satisfied with my weight. I still refused to think I had any form of an eating disorder.